A lot can happen in 24 hours.
A friend I used to go to school with (college) lost his battle with leukemia today. He’s just a year older than me. We had a lot of good times. My dear reader, if you don’t know me too well, it might come as news to you that I do not deal well with death. I fantasize about my own death day in and out (it gives me something to do), but everytime someone close to me or someone I know pretty well passes away, I go into emotional/mental shutdown. This time is no different.
I saw this coming, we knew he was struggling to combat his illness, he was one hell of a fighter. But still it breaks me to know. Life is so fragile. I am shutting down as I write this.
I had another sleepless night and it was a wonder that I managed to get myself out of bed and leave the house. Went for coffee with a friend and we tried to think of solutions to my current situation. I just need to get my head in the right place and stop wallowing in self-pity. The replaying of negative events and over-analysing has to cease once and for all. So yes, I’m more or less set on going back to Singapore. But in the next month, I need to get my act together and grow a thicker skin. Have a new game plan to write to editors and try to set up meetings with them to show my work. In Singapore, I’m constantly putting myself out there and meeting new people. My life in Melbourne is mellow and therefore I hardly get out. There’s no meeting new people and creating opportunities. I’m so wrapped up in my misery that I’ve stopped making the effort. Gone is the fun and outgoing Alicia, enter Miss-fucking-misery at her best. Oh boy, do I make great company. I wonder which is healthier: emotional or apathetic. I do the latter pretty well when I’m on my meds. This is also part of the game plan, as I do need to get myself out of bed every morning in order to function.
So I had this game plan all set, but I came home to terrible news of AD’s death. Broke me completely. Lost it. I spent hours bawling my eyes out and spilling my guts over the phone to anybody who’d listen. Now I’ve drained myself of liquid, here I am. Still asking why, and unsure of my next move now. Even more afraid of rejection and want so badly to run away.
I need the strength to get past this, am desperate to get back on track. Death is life. Life is death.
“It should have been me.”
God, save my soul.
