047: lavender nights

It has gotten impossibly cold. Just the other day I was musing aloud that this winter has been surprisingly tolerable. Bullshit. I am clad in one too many outfits including my going out coat. There are many days where I leave the house without turning off the heater because I’m such a scatter brain. I end up paranoid for 4-5 hours driving my friends crazy wondering if my house has burned down.

My apartment has been re-leased. Homeless as of end of the month. Should really get down to packing. I’m so disorganised when it comes to household matters so I’m spending most of my time stressing about my car when I should indeed worry that my house is still filled with too much crap. Gah. Penalty fees for breaking lease will most probably give me a heart attack. Sigh. Money, money, money. I need an accountant to sort out my finances.

Fingers crossed on new hopeful situation. Pretty confident but who knows what will happen with the instability of everything happening around me now. One can only hope for the best and put trust in the fact that God knows what he’s doing.

So exhausted. Seriously annoyed with juvenile antics of the children around me. Yes, I bring it upon myself. Going into hibernation mode. Tomorrow’s another long day of money matters and what not.

036: to sir with love

Lost track of time and space. Have not gotten myself motivated enough to pack up the past two years of life and restart it again.

Life’s just not fair. That sounds relatively familiar.

Just doing my thing, pushing everyone away.

027: scars

Am recovering from a nasty-ass injury sustained to my knees and elbows. Will not go into detail about what happened, but I now look like a victim of domestic abuse. I walk a bit funny too, and it hurts to go to bed because when my sheets rub up against the wounds it hurts like a bitch.

Slowly but surely coming into my decision to return to Singapore for good. I guess I won’t know for sure till end of this month. April is going to be a tough month of decisions. Susan Miller says great things await me this month, honestly, I’m just fretting about finding a REAL job and wondering how I can get rid of my junk and newly acquired 42-inch plasma.

Still dealing with a hangover. I feel like I have been having one too many of these days.

024: interruption

Have reverted back to my old ways. Can no longer fall asleep before 5am. Much torture it is as I’m up by 11am, moping around the house, counting away the minutes and before you know it, it’s another sleepless night.

Trying to put my life and what’s been happening around me into perspective. Had one of those heartbreaking heart-to-hearts again and it’s just never been something I could walk away from feeling lighter.

I have come to a point in life where reality is rearing its ugly head at me. I have nowhere to hide and I need to be an adult about the whole situation. I have to start somewhere and at the same time I want to reach for the skies. I am torn. Yet, as I grow older I begin to feel more and more rooted by familial obligations. I am not resentful at that. I lead very different lives from many of my newer friends here in Melbourne. While they are free to do the things we all want to do, I on the other hand feel like I’ve been left to my own devices for over 20 years and its time I came back down to earth. I should not be comparing myself to others, as I have been very blessed and lucky.

I do not for one know what it is to really struggle to make ends meet. Well, I do sort of know now since I’m flat out on cash and there’s no daddy’s trustfund to get me out of the hole I dug. I cling onto my old life with all the strength I have and refuse to grow out of my irresponsible ways. My whole life, I spend avoiding my responsibilities and indulging in all sorts of destructive vices known to mankind. Still, I’m not closer to finding out who I really am and what I really want.

Even the relationships I have with people are telling. I won’t let the ones who want to love me, love me. And the very few times I have chosen to fall in love, were with people who were absolutely emotionally unattainable. I am so lost, I’m stumbling around and messing up the order of things in my own life.

Feel like I need to cut my losses and get real for once. For my family and for the friends who really care. I need to give up on those hard-partying ways, they never do fill any gaps and end up excavating more problems. It is with a heavy heart and at the same time lighter one that I lean further towards the decision to return home to Singapore.

I no longer care about the problems and people I was trying to escape. There are bigger demons awaiting me.

017: float on

This is me after virtually no sleep: fuckshitmotherfuckerjustfixmycarbatteryalreadyand takemyhardearned$150whenIcan’tevenmakerentalready fuckshitmotherfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Days/nights like these, I just want to reach for my pills and knock myself out. Literally.

Have a great sense of unease. Can’t stand sitting around and not doing anything. Can’t believe I’m saying that I can’t not work. I think I have turned into one of those persons whose work defines them. Great.

And on another note, I think it’s always easier to blame and hate the stranger, instead of seeing the truth about the one close(d) to you dishing out the hurt. Take a number in the blame game.

Late night date tonight. Early morning job interview. Tough luck, tough love.

012: twit head

Had 5 hours of sleep. Up bright an early. Ready to hit Sydney Road street party. Fun times. Oh, I’m on Twitter now, slow joe: Follow me or something.