041: Feather kisses

This is a melatonin-induced post.

So far, I’m on pill #5. Still no sleep for the weary. The shadows under my eyes are unbecoming. Actually pretty scary, because I look even more sullen and older now. Am not ready to get back on the hard stuff, so trying to take it easy and go herbal. It is supposed to work in line with me almost-vegetarian lifestyle. Thus far, I have fallen off the wagon once in the past two weeks in my Quit Smoking campaign; as for the chemical-free promise, I’m on the right track.

Looking forward to birthday plans. On Friday, we’re having dinner at Maha, a middle-eastern restaurant which I’ve heard rave reviews about. Saturday brunch probably at Cavallero, and for dinner, I’m going to try my luck with Movida, a tapas restaurant that is practically impossible to get a reservation at, because they can only house max. 15 persons in one seating. If Movida is a no go, we’ll adjourn to Longrain (Thai fusion) instead.

The following week, I’ll be catching Gordon Ramsay at the Good Food & Wine festival. Crazy excited about that, am his biggest fan. Still contemplating Winter Soundsystem music festival, not sure if I’m up for a big clean night…

Plans aside, have started the breaking of my rental lease. Total mess if you ask me. My agent doesn’t have a clue what she’s doing. I dropped my main building key more than a month ago (over Easter) and she hasn’t gotten around to replacing the key. I have to enter my building via the carpark, and that means I have to carry the remote out with me all the time. Bloody inconvenient. Now, she’s trying to make me cough up the penalty fee, when it should just be deducted from my bond. So it’s basically an on-going battle of nasty phone hang-ups and rude-ass emails. With the current economic climate, it’s becoming a pain to try to sell off my stuff. I know I’m a fool for impulse purchasing the Guitar Hero World Tour complete band set, 42-inch plasma, and Xbox360 when my advertising career got off on shaky start.

Now I’m just trying to get organised and stop half-arsing around. I will probably take the Xbox console home with me and just get rid of whatever I can. As for my furniture, they’re all in newish condition and I’m just going to give them away if no one expresses interest. My car is the biggest worry. I need to get down to getting it road-worthy, photographed and CLEANED – messy ass. GAH! So much to do, so little time and no money at all.

I know that when I get back home to Singapore, I seriously need to clean up my act and kick-start my career again. No fooling around, because I actually enjoy working. Bring on the monotony. I’m glad to be getting out of Melbourne because the working lifestyle here is just… backward. Agencies not open to trying new things and giving opportunities to newbies. There’s an ageing population here, older people not retiring and holding onto their jobs, whilst the younger generation graduate and not have jobs because the Baby Boomers aren’t freeing them up. It’s the same thing with the ‘give the job to the locals, the foreigners can afford to live here without income’. RIGHT. Playing it safe just doesn’t cut it anymore in the 21st century. Always will be at back-end of things and in the instance of this economy crisis take longer to recover. Best to face up to reality, stop giving people false hopes, cease ripping off foreigners and start realising the potential said people offer to a country. Not like I’m a politician, but I believe that it pays to be open to the opinions of others and receptive to the new things they bring to a country. You know what they say about that bird with its head stuck under the sand. Also, if you’re going to come to my country and demand respect, best you show me the same respect.

What a lengthy entry. Much ado about nothing. It’s the melatonin droning on. Good night, I will find more substantial and less abrupt things to write about soon. Maybe 27 will help me become more organised and less flaky. Die ADD, die.

021: the day after

I suspect this will soon turn into some sort of Bikram/holistic crap journal. Okay, I kid.

Can’t move my limbs at all today. Killed me to even get out of bed this morning and getting into my car was an absolute pain. I practically couldn’t drive with all the stiffness/aching in every known muscle. Can’t go back to Bikram today because am actually down with a cold (result of getting rid of body toxins?) and don’t want it to get worst.

Suffering from insomnia once again. Stressing about my job situation, it’s giving me some sort of anxiety attack. Can’t sleep and when I finally do fall asleep (usually at 6am), all I dream of is getting rejected by every job I applied for – oh wait, I’m not dreaming, it is for real. Maybe things will indeed be better if I just moved back to Singapore.

With the whole economy crisis and all, I’m not at all surprised that they’re giving the jobs to Australians. I could write a long rant about how UN-DIVERSIFIED a country Australia is. I know many people who are successful back home, but resumes are not even given a second glance because they are not local or they bear a last name that is un-pronounceable. This is very disappointing, especially when it comes to the advertising industry – a workforce that prides itself on being multicultural and holds annual conferences on how overseas influence is what it truly needs to grow.

From what I have witnessed and through my own experience, it looks like a bunch of bullshit. I can’t believe that I have forked out a ridiculous $8,000 for a permanent residency application (and it’s made up of dumb tests) to be ostracised by my so-called peers. It could be some sort of conspiracy theories, “make them fork out a limb for PR, don’t give them a job and make them wait nine months cold turkey”. I once believed that Australia was a great place to be, but the past one year and nine months have shown me that this country claims to be developed in every aspect yet continues to blatantly practice white superiority.

Call me bitter, but I’m stating the facts. If I know talented people who come with years of experience are being shunned for lazy-ass mofos who can’t tell left from right (and get defensive when their mistakes are brought to light), then something must be really wrong. I had a short stint working in an office environment and the majority of people I encounter are all talk and no action. As if that is going to get you through life in the long run.

And for goodness sake, go read up on current/world affairs. Singaporean is a nationality, not a race. English is our first language. We can’t for fuck’s sake speak Singaporean, just like you don’t speak Australian. And our grammar is every bit as good as yours, because English originated from England. NOT AUSTRALIA.

Rant indeed.

009: I was the one worth leaving

Having a lot of trouble trying to string words together into sentences that sound semi-intelligible – or at least something that makes sense to simpletons; worse people who think they have a clue but really don’t. To a certain extent, I’m mildly offended that my work (something I once did for a living) is being insulted especially when I’ve tried my best to make up stuff from NOTHING. Over-edited work make bad reads.

Writing is very subjective and I’m not the best writer around, but I know what I’m doing. There are a lot of things I can’t do (such as cook a decent meal or ride a bike); but when it comes to writing about fashion, I lay my claim on that territory. Like I said, not the best around, but better than average.

“Dumb it down, dumb it down.” Not everyone is that dumb. Especially not fashion editors. Stuck in a fucking rut.

007: Ever thine, ever mine, ever us

When did I start letting my emotions rule my work life? I’m turning 27 for gawdssake.

Today is a new day. Shut the negativity out and play hard ball.

I spent the whole of yesterday whingeing to my friends (or anyone who’d listen) how miserable I was at work, etc. Come to think about it, I made my own bed, so…

The rational side of me (seldom present) sees the bigger picture, the root of the problem. I often find it impossible to be happy or satisfied. Yes, I have the tendency to attract a lot of negativity. Somehow, I have a sick habit of delighting in these dire situations. Then, I go around begging for scraps of sympathy from people, trying to make them see my point of view. Oh, woe be me.

I am scattered.

Also a bit confused. Do I really want to subject myself to attacks on my character and functionality? There are all these people I call my friends, but I think I’m more of a ‘spare’ for them to tell half-truths to and what not. Or maybe I just attract these sort of people. People whom I genuinely care about and love, yet they have nothing to give in return. What am I expecting?

Don’t I already have enough real friends? Why am I so desperate to please?

When will I learn to stand up for myself. At work and in life.